Airport Whore

NOTE, 4.17.07. IT WAS RECENTLY SUGGESTED TO ME THAT THE FOLLOWING POST, IN WHICH I OFFER A THROWBACK TO THE WAY MY MIND WORKED IN HIGH SCHOOL, MIGHT BE "OFFENSIVE" (!) TO THE CASUAL READER. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!


Long ago, before I even had the ability to sometimes censor myself, I ran a joke website called the American Anti-Whore Society. On this late nineties website, I funneled the issues I had with Our Culture into a series of Cosmo-esque quizzes designed to help people diagnose whether they were College Admissions Whores, Car Whores, Pet Whores, etc. I came up with roughly 40 types of whore by the time I abandoned the project freshman year of college.

Now and again, I see things that automatically inspire me to create new whore subclassifications and quizzes. I usually shrug off these ideas and blog about barbecue food instead. But one type of whore has become so pervasive to me, that even I can't help myself. Something about air travel makes people behave and dress differently...

Airport Whore

1. Do your underwear stand out in a crowd?
   
2. Did you wear your cheerleading uniform on today's flight?
   
3. Can I see more than 45% of the surface area of your breasts by walking to my gate with both eyes open?
   
4. Did you purchase matching neon pink luggage with the goal of making EVERYONE IN THE AIRPORT LOOK AT YOU?
   
5. Were you sitting next to me in the Charlotte Airport California Pizza Kitchen in short shorts screaming into your cellphone about the "like TOTALLY hot guy" "in like Barcelona" that you "like totally hooked up with that first night" after you "like rode on his motorcycle"?

Just so you don't suspect that I harbor a pathological hatred of women, let me say that the male version of this societal ailment has not yet made itself known to me.