Sense of Shock

I think I've just figured out why I can't grow up. It's the unabating sense of shock that I can do that which I do. I suspect from reading many copies of the USA Today on the road that this very sense is instilled in dozens millions of American children from childbirth. But the sense I mostly got from my birthplace was that you work, reproduce, attempt to "build equity," die. Not necessarily in that order.

My sense of shock is one that I had to learn to feel, and it will give way to some form of greater confidence that I don't have yet. Many significant things I've done thus far have had question marks attached to them--usually before, but sometimes after the fact. It often felt that I was getting a great bargain or setting myself up for a challenge I was not worthy to face. I could go to Regis? I could go to college? Tufts? I can sell things? Market things? Write songs? Write stories? Learn photography?

I've been doing all these things and many others. They keep me up at night. I barely sleep. I need to keep pushing the envelope, artistically and professionally. I will not consider myself fully developed.