Kelowna

Kelowna, supposedly the fastest growing city in BC, suffers tremendously from the sprawl culture that has damned and engulfed all its sister cities. In fact, the only identifiable element of the place is the drawbridge on its south end. But in the few downtown blocks north of the bridge, Kelowna offers sleaze for every biker and of-age teen slut within 1,000 kilometers. There's the lovely SameSun hostel, where we stayed for $69, and the awfully-old-smelling Willow Inn, which caters to the old biker crowd. We thought it weird that the check-in lady at the latter was also the bartender, but that would be proven normal within a few nights.

We had a great Chinese dinner of ginger beef and special-order salt and pepper pork. The waitress ended all conversations with the word "puffect."

Next, we checked out one of the bars. The service was horrible, but the waiter tried to make it up to us by drawing us a little map of downtown. It featured two strip clubs, the "18-19" club, the "20-23" club, and the "23 and older" club. On the street, everything looked the same. With names like GOTCHA, LEVVEL, and LIQUID ZOO, you couldn't tell one decrepit palace of degeneracy from another. We went to a boring bar, argued with the bartender about our licenses, and left at last call (1), only to find things just getting started on the street.

Hot dog vendors were just setting up their carts outside the clubs (what do they do all day?). They sold both hot dogs and "smokies," which supposedly taste differently. Drunk males vowed to "scope out" each club. A clique of totally obliterated college-age girls walked by in tiny skirts, one of them metronomically hiccuping. Teetering on the brink of immediate vomit and/or unconsciousness, she kept the cotillion in time.