Sunday, June 04, 2006

The Idiot Beat

There's a new disease on the streets of this city, and I'm going to have to risk sounding like a "racist" "neo-con" to describe it. Here goes.

Picture a large, big, super-gigundo SUV barrelling down I-93, down your home street, or through the Market Basket parking lot. This GIGANTIC, BASS HEAVY SOUND is emanating from it--straight through the tires--shaking the very earth you stand on. Your human eardrum cannot even discern individual sonic elements in the composition, just GIGANTIC BASS.

As the gaudy vehicle approaches--perhaps sporting custom visor, grille, and many tinted windows--you notice that the driver does not appear to fit with predetermined, "American" visual standards for wealth. Nor do any of its occupants. But now that the vehicle is within twenty feet of you, you can actually *hear* what its speakers are playing: the idiot beat!

BOOM, chi-BOOM-chi
BOOM, chi-BOOM-chi
BOOM, chi-BOOM-chi
BOOM, chi-BOOM-chi
BOOM, chi-BOOM-chi

No words. No instruments. No music.

BOOM, chi-BOOM-chi
BOOM, chi-BOOM-chi
BOOM, chi-BOOM-chi
BOOM, chi-BOOM-chi

The noise repeats and repeats and repeats again. Vocals never start and the beat never changes. The vehicle occupants do not nod their heads in time. They do not sing along. They don't look at each other. They don't look at you.

That's because you're supposed look at THEM. The idiot beat: the soundtrack to urban narcissism. The soundtrack to look at me and my pimpin ride, yo.

Where does it come from? Can you get the BOOM, chi-BOOM-chi CD at Radio Shack? Do all new SUVs come with a preinstalled Look-at-Me (tm) button? Does it come in Black and Hispanic versions? Why don't Asians drive SUVs? Why do whites still blast Metallica in theirs?

Is somebody making royalties off this shit!?

All I know is that listening to this shit will make you dumber than watching broadcast television will. If you hear the idiot beat approaching, cover your ears and hope that the ground is not shaking strongly enough for you to hear it through your toes.

2 Comments:

Blogger Rob said...

I feel the need to point out that in the six days since posting this, I have experienced the Idiot Beat an additional six times.

rb

10:18 AM  
Blogger Rob said...

Seven.

2:00 PM  

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